to kill a mocking bird

Artists draw to express their freedom of feelings, flowing from within.
They take no husk, no utter thinking, just pure thoughts, as they create an oh-so-smooth of whats on the mind.

Singers sing. They express through lyrics. With such flow of emotions, they tend to overlook the fact that they have this ability to present whats on the mind, without even trying. Soulful music doesnt come from the melodious tone, nor the power of a voice, but from the soul. The no soul in a well being, is carefully crafted for the freedom of expression.

Then there are words.
For those who lack of the left brain, people usually use words to express. Words to write, to speak, to type etc. To release whatever energy charged from the mind, words are often labeled as the most powerful weapon in the world. And i admire, the people who utilizes the words, enough to make exact(or maybe more?) copy from the heart.

As I flip through song titles that play the part of my emotions, i couldn't find any. Not even Wang Lee Hom. When breathing gets harder and heavier every minute, I am solemnized. I couldn't care less . I couldn't sing, couldnt draw, nor could I even use words for anything to represent me. Words doesnt flow naturally when it comes to me. And that is why people tend to overlook the selfish impression of me.

I'd rather feel more sorrow than ever, and be able to find a part in me that signifies me alone, than feeling a no soul, feeling helpless of myself but am not able to express it. My body tenses up, my muscles feeling stretched. But what can I do with these symptoms? I can't possibly get myself to commit suicide, to hurt any part of my body. I wish to commit myself in significance. I wish to be able to hold on the something, and push everything in me for that to stand. At least I would be able to feel my position in in the heart.

I am unstable. Like the Group 1 elements, I donate easily. But will I be able to get back the one electron that represents my whole? to others, that electron may be useless for the functions. But its what every part that counts. That make a whole complete.

I do not mind standing alone, I don't mind being left alone, but I mind very much, if I am not able to tell what am i doing.

I am confused, lost, indecisive. I am standing at center. I look to my left, I see love coming everywhere, at an average rate. Among the grass, I see flowers of the same kind blooming at the same rate. With the same colour and smell each flower has, how can I tell whether which stands out? how can i tell whether I will end up being one of the flowers too. Pretty yet average.

And when I see the left side of the land. I see earth.Brown solid earth covering the land. Yet I see rubbish thrown at a few sections. Weeds are being drawn in everyday. Water is lacking. But what i see at the other end of the dry road, I see a beautiful rose standing the edge of a cliff. The rose so beautiful it makes you wanna cry. You just wanna take it and protect it and make sure the petals do not go out of place.

I chose the left. Why did I do that? Because my heart tells me so.
Just that simple answer, I would rather go rampage myself through the boring earth land. Pathetic? Maybe I am, I lack thinking of every consequences I make. I am living my problem, and i will not be able to solve it anyway. My heart overrules my mind. The worse part is, I was given a choice.

EVen the choice breaks up my well being. Choices may sound tempting, but choices are dangerous, makes you jump between one other. A choice tears up your heart, slit through every part of it indirectly.Once a bad choice is made, will we be able to go back to the same path and make the right choice again. I am realistic to tell everyone in the world a big fat NO.

for now. I wish to captivate something, i wish to grasp hold onto something, firmly and say, 'bring it on'. I want to cry and tear everything inside out, but the thing is I dont know which part am i aiming for. I want to be able to be that bold person i used to be.

I want me. Despite the deception thrown at me, can you give me that back?



by,
chen.


p/s chen, although how, i want you to blog here. so i pasted here! sorry. i rather go jump off the cliff too. SRY